When I was tweleve I was starting to find my independence. I had a bike and I loved the freedom and autonomy I felt with it. I didn’t have to ride the slow, herky-jerky bus with the savages.
My best friend had a connection at a raceway 15 miles away where we had the opportunity to work the concession stand! I lived such a sheltered and eventless life out in the country. We didn’t go on vacations, or field trips, or drives in the country, or even out for pizza. So this adventure was like red drop of paint being mixed into a white can of paint. A swirl of beauty.
On top of it, we were going to ride our bikes there. The ultimate autonomy– getting there by our own means.
Once it was time to leave I could see that the permission I was shocked to receive earlier was indeed too good to be true.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“To ride bikes to work at the race.”
“You’re not doing that.”
“You said I could!”
“No I didn’t.”
“Yes you did, I asked you earlier and you said yes!”
“Boy, you better get rid of that attitude real quick.”
I was so frustrated and angry. I was good at not having wants. That was survival at my house. But when I finally let myself believe something good is going to happen, I would cling tight and feel such a rupture if it was taken away.
I dared very little in defiance of him. I was terrified of him. If he saw one ounce of assertiveness in defending myself he would stomp it out with all his weight. I NEVER won an argument. Even my tone of voice, or posture, or movement of an eyebrow showing dislike for his actions would ignite his anger.
But I was getting sick and tired of being sick and tired of the injustice. And I was growing up. But it was a shock to myself when this came out of my mouth:
“Fuck off!”
I felt a rush of empowerment that turned immediately in panic when I saw a look of fury on his face that I had never seen before. It was like fire being angry.
I ran straight out the back door, into the yard, around the end of the trailer where he caught me, pushed me onto the hood of the car and punched me three times in the face.
“You’re… Gonna learn… Some respect.”
With each punch I saw a flash of light light up the inside of my skull.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.